


The Crime of (Next) Century

by CurlicueCal



Category: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Multi, Spies, the ice cream of the future, this bears only the most passing resemblance to any recognizable canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2014-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-19 16:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2394443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurlicueCal/pseuds/CurlicueCal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Thank god for those astute heart powers. Now use the powers of your eyeballs and brain to figure out what these <em>potentially dangerous criminals</em> might be up to.”<br/>--<br/>In which Agent Heart has a dramatic showdown with a crew of criminals and/or dancers and finds love in the mall.  Also, there is ice cream.  </p><p>Written for the prompt: <i>Planeteer-themed secret agents that appear to be terrible at their jobs must hunt down a rogue “planeteer.” GO.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Crime of (Next) Century

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with Auds and Scojbo who I'm blaming for everything. Especially the funny parts.
> 
> Yes, this is pure crack. No, I can't explain it. We didn't really remember the characters so we just went with our guts.

“Code Heart, I repeat, Code Heart,” a young Brazilian boy said into his watch. Around him, passersby in the busy mall glanced curiously in his direction. He cleared his throat, loudly, in the semblance of a cough. Then he tried again, louder and with a tinge of desperation. "Code Heart. Agent Wind, DO YOU READ?"

At his wrist, the small watch he was stage-whispering into remained fairly non-responsive and watch-like, but, from the companion-piece in his ear, a metallic voice finally piped up.   

“Heart, you don’t have any powers and that code is utterly meaningless.”

Agent Heart shook his head.  “No.  I can sense our mark.  We're very close. Rogue Alpha is here.” 

The voice sighed. “What, are your spidey-senses tingling? What do you see?”

Even through the alien voice distortion, Heart could hear the flatness of her voice.  “It’s not sight.  It’s just… a feeling.  Deep in my chest.  Of _connection_.”

“There are just…so many jokes I could make at your expense right now. So many. But we can’t move on a wishy-washy feeling, Heart. Now, run me through your observations.”

“There are toddlers running about. Fake trees and benches with parents all around me.  There seems to be a stand selling some kind of ice cream made out of tiny spheres to my right. Oh, hey!  It’s the 'Ice Cream of the Future'.”  Heart started toward the stand.  “There is a group of men in black ski masks in front of me.  This line is going to be long.”

“What? Ski masks?”

Through his communicator, Heart heard a low _thump_. It sounded almost exactly as if a forehead hit a desk.  “Wind? Wind? Are you there?” Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t had contact from Fire or Water for some time, either.  He heard a muffled noise from the other end of the line.  “Wind!”

“I’m here,” the voice said finally.  It sounded peeved.  “I’m just having… a breakdown. Apparently.”

“Have you tried that yoga DVD I gave you yet? It really helps with that kind of stuff,” Heart said with concern.

“You know, I haven’t? Been crazy here at HQ lately. Busy season and all that. But back to the ski masks. Are they… a dance crew? Are they in line for Futuristic Ice Cream? Or could they, perhaps, have something to do with the mission at hand?”

“Well, they do look pretty hot,” Heart pondered.  “Lots of layers and those wool masks.  I’d sure want to cool down with some _future ice cream_ if I were a bunch of suspicious men in ski masks.” Heart furrowed his eyebrows, a dawning sense of apprehension coiling through him as he listened to his own words.  “Wind, I’m starting to get a very bad vibe here.”

“Thank god for those astute heart powers. Now use the powers of your eyeballs and brain to figure out what these _potentially dangerous criminals_ might be up to.” The tinny voice cracked a bit, which Heart thought sounded just a little funny through the lens of the robot voice modulator.

“Will do, Wind.”  Heart  changed his approach to a more stealthy sidle, walking sideways around the group.  He wondered if this most recent development meant he could skip past them in line.

As Heart casually crab-walked to the front of the line, there was a sudden angry call behind him. 

“By the power of Earth," the voice proclaimed. "No cutsies!”

Heart froze, mid-step. He knew that voice. That sounded like…Earth! His old comrade, and conveniently the rogue agent he was tasked to find. He turned slowly.  “Earth.”

“Oh shit," said a ski-masked figure at the front of the group. "Heart!” Earth peeled up the black wool, glancing around furtively. Taking several steps closer to Heart, he dropped his voice and spoke urgently.  “Don’t embarrass me in front of my crew, man."

Wind’s excited voice crackled through the communicator. “Is that him? Heart, you actually found him? See if you can find out whether his ‘crew’ is criminal or dance! The guys here at Headquarters have a pool going.”

“Shh,” Heart said. “Don’t distract me, Wind.  I need to try to make a connection with him.  I have to reach out to the Good in him.”

Earth pressed his hands over his face, cutting short Heart's attempt to stare meaningfully into his eyes.  Behind Earth, some of the suspicious group looked slightly uncomfortable. But maybe that was just the ski masks.  “Oh god, you are the _most_ embarassing,” Earth said.  “This is why I left, you know.  Are you talking to Wind?”

“Yes. What you heard just now was me… talking to the wind. No one else. I feel a sense of camaraderie towards you.  My old comrade.” Heart held out his hand with an earnest smile.

“You see what I have to deal with?” The robot voice came through loud enough for both young men to hear. Heart winced and rubbed his ear.

With a hiss, Earth stepped closer, towering over Heart and blocking the view to the criminal/dance crew. “Wind, can you get him to _leave?_ He’s _ruining_ my street cred!” This last was furiously whispered into the watch on Heart’s outstretched hand.  Behind him, the dancer-criminals continued to look uncomfortable, or possibly just woolen.

“You know, I don’t think either of you are really understanding the parameters of this mission!”  Wind said, still loudly enough to be heard from a distance.

Heart pulled the companion earpiece out away from his ringing ear.  “Fine," he said, "I’ll ask him.”

“Ask--? Heart, that wasn't what I—”

But Heart was on a mission. “So, HQ has some pool going and I need to know if you’re a dancer or a criminal,” Heart informed Earth.  "It's for The Mission."

Earth sputtered. Whether from wounded pride or bewilderment was unclear. “D-dance? Pool?”  His eyes narrowed.  “It’s Water, isn’t it? Her and her damn pools."

Oh no, Heart was going to lose his old friend to his anger! Quick, he needed to say something to win him back to the side of Good. “I know you’ve always made my heart dance.” Heart’s eyes were pure sincerity. He even waggled his eyebrows a little to emphasize his point.

Earth sputtered again. This time it was probably embarrassment. "I--I-- _you_ \--agh." He sucked in a slow breath and spoke in measured tones. "Heart…what _exactly_ do you think we’re all doing here?” He gestured to the now-bristling and surprisingly muscular henchmen lined up behind him. One particularly brawny specimen cracked his knuckles. Even his fingers looked muscular.

“Buying very progressive ice cream?”  Heart supplied.  In the pause that followed he seemed to realize this was not the most likely answer.  “…for…crime?”  But that would be Ice Crime, and they weren’t wearing ice skates.

Both Earth and Robot-Voice Wind sighed.

“Heart," said the out-of-earpiece. "They’re about to pull off the Crime of The Century, and you’re asking about _Dippin’ Dots?_ What were you even doing during briefing? Doodling hearts and spirals on your notebook?”

—and his name with Wind and Earth’s last names, hyphenated together into one beautiful surname. But he’d never admit that. Aloud.  “Shouldn’t it be the Crime of Next Century?” he asked instead.

“Oh, for the love of—”  Earth snatched the earpiece out of Heart’s hand and grabbed him by the watch, pulling Heart and his wrist into easier speaking distance.  Wow, that was really close.

“Wind,” Earth said.  “I’m not pulling off a crime.  I mean.  Today.  Probably. When you see us perform, you may think it’s criminal to be this good, and that's why we’re called The Smooth Criminals. See our ski masks?”

“That’s clever!” Heart said.

“Wait, are you guys _actually_ buying ice cream?” Wind’s voice asked.

“Dancing is hot work.”  Earth lowered his voice, making shushing motions with his hands. “So if you could just _wait_ for a few minutes, we can go somewhere where I _won’t_ have my embarrassing past outed in front of my crew and then talk this out. Preferably without Heart.”

“Hey!” Heart said in wounded tones.

Earth scowled at him.

Heart made a sad puppy face.

“”Fine,”  Earth said grudgingly.  “ _Maybe_ with Heart.”

Heart’s face brightened, and then grew hopeful. “Hey, Wind, do you think maybe if you came down here Earth and his crew would put on a performance for us? Ooh, Earth, please??”

Earth opened his mouth to chastise Heart, but… He just couldn’t bring himself to say anything.  How could he? Heart had helped him save the planet numerous times, and had always been the encouraging smile their team needed.  “I need you guys to understand.  I didn’t go rogue because I stopped caring about the planet.  I just wanted to save it my way.  Through dance.”

And then, the entire crew behind him erupted into their opening stance. The brawny guy produced a controller from his pocket and hit something. Loud bass and melodic synth flowed through the mall’s loudspeakers.

Earth looked over his shoulder. “Guys? Does this…mean you believe in me? Even with my dark and embarrassing superhero-slash-secret-agent past?”

The dance crew/not-actually-criminals gave him a jazzy synchronized thumbs up.  “Of course, boss!”  said the brawniest one, wiggling his muscle-y fingers.  “We’ve _always_ known about your past.”

Beside Earth, Heart burst into heartfelt (literally) applause, beaming from ear-to-ear.

The wristwatch communicator crackled. “Earth.”

Earth leaned in, a smile spreading across his face. “Yes, Wind?”

“Is there alcohol at this venue?”

“No, but there’s the Ice Cream of The Future!” Heart exclaimed, giddy with excitement.

A tinny sigh. Then, “Good enough. Be there in 20. Ten-four.” 


End file.
